"For none but the shades of Cavalrymen dismount at Fiddlers Green" --RIP 1SG James Patrick Watkins

On Saturday, April 15th, 2010, my husbands 1SG, James Patrick Watkins, known to his soldiers as "Top" and to friends and family as "JP", killed himself.

Usually, I am all about telling the story, making everyone feel as if they were there for any all everything in my life. But I apologize, I do not feel it is necessary to tell the story of what happened, nor do I feel like replaying in detail events and sadness following his death.

I will say a few things, 1SG -JP- was a dear friend to my husband and myself, and he was a wonderful leader to all of the soldiers of ATroop 1-38CAV.

His death has taken a huge tole on my husband. He was at our wedding ceremony in Charleston and he was there to visit at the hospital when I was 10+ hours into labor. He was always there for my husband, believing in him and pushing him to be the best soldier he knew he could be, and for all of that I am truly grateful.

Zak has lost quite a few friends in battle during his last tour in Iraq and now to lose someone he really looked up to and trusted to go into battle with in Afghanistan....lets just say its been hard and I hate seeing my husband so sad. Even though JP had become a great friend to me, I will never understand how Zak is feeling. I just want to hold him and give him big hugs all the time because there really is nothing else I can do, except let time heal.

JP was not only a great friend to me and my husband, he was a great friend to each soldier and their families as well. I know his death is one of the hardest things ATroop will ever have to face, but at the same time it has brought all of us closer together. It has truly made us all a family which is a wonderful thing but just sad that it took something so sad to bring people closer together.

My husband, 1SG, and all the soldiers of 1-38CAV, are just that, Cav Scouts of the United States Cavalry. And it is a belief that all Cavalrymen go to a place called Fiddlers Green...and below is the poem "Fiddlers Green".

Halfway down the trail to Hell
In a shady meadow green
Are the Souls of all dead Troopers camped
Near a good old-time canteen,
And this eternal resting place is
know as Fiddlers' Green

Marching past straight through to Hell
The Infantry are seen
Accompanied by the Engineers,
Artillery and Marines,
For none but the shades of Cavalrymen
Dismount at Fiddlers' Green

Though some go curving down the trail
To seek a warmer scene,
No Trooper ever gets to Hell
Ere he's emptied his canteen.
And so rides back to drink again
With friends at Fiddlers' Green

And so when man and horse go down
Beneath a sabre keen,
Or on roaring charge of fierce melee
You stop a bullet clean.
And the hostiles come to get your scalp
Just empty your canteen,
And put your pistol to your head
And go to Fiddlers' Green.

Monsters Under the Bed

So the past couple of days I have started to get a bit sad.

Zak leaves for his second deployment in about 3 1/2 months.

3 1/2 months....really? That seems so close.

This whole year has just seemed to fly by and I am wishing there was a way to make these next 3 months go slower.

I know he has been thinking about the deployment a lot lately too...it is hard for us to talk about it, but it is hard to not talk about it.

Last night I was holding Grayson as he fell asleep and I just started to cry. Tears streaming down my face.
Zak asked me why I was crying and all I could say was, "He looks just like you..."

I know that must have seemed like the most crazy/hormonal thing I could say but there was meaning behind it.

I am so happy Grayson looks just like Zak, I was praying for that all along but I started to cry and get so sad about it because I want Grayson to know the man he mirrors and I am terrified that once Zak leaves for this deployment that Grayson may never get to know that man

I know .... depressing.... but this is the reality I face... it's the reality we all as military wives face everyday.

Zak is such an amazing man and I know if something were to happen to him, a day would not go by that his legend and who he is would not be known to Grayson. But I want Zak to be more than a super hero in a storybook so to speak... I want him to be a super hero in Graysons reality. I want him to be able to want to be like his Dad from learning from his Dad, not just from the stories we tell Grayson of his Dad.

...and the tears are falling again...

Zak always tells me, "I am coming home". And as much as I want to believe that and trust in his word, there are things that he cannot control...those are the things that I am scared of.

You know when you are little...and you are afraid of the monsters under the bed or in the closet? (just got with me on this one) And, even though you have never seen them except for scary movies or stories told by your big brother or sister, and even though your Mom or Dad tucks you in every night and checks under the bed and in the closet and tries to reassure you that you are safe and there are no monsters......you are still never okay. You put the covers over your head and have a mini panic attack until you fall asleep and wake up the next morning to take a deep breath that the monsters once again passed you up and then you feel safe until bedtime again.

Well, the Taliban and terrorist of Afghanistan are the monsters under my bed and in my closet. ..I have never seen them in person, only from movies, and stories told by soldiers and stories in the news, and with every phone call and e/mail I will receive from Zak letting me know that there are no monsters, I will go to sleep every night, with a little mini panic attack, until I hear from him again to know that the monsters have passed him by and he is safe again for one more night.

I have full confidence in Zak's abilities to make it back home. He is an outstanding soldier. He knows exactly what he is doing and doesn't let anything cloud his mind when on mission. He may be a "young" soldier still but he was thrown into the lions den right out of Basic and AIT...fresh meat, 19 years old and he still made it through. He says it's different this time though. Last deployment he was younger and new to the game and he was all "gung ho" about going to Iraq and fighting the war...he says the reality of it all didn't hit him until his boots hit the ground. That has changed now. He now knows what he is going to be facing and how dangerous it all truly is. But I think that gives him an advantage because he has already been through one deployment when he was "brand new" and was practically learning with each mission...now he has a bit of an upper hand because he knows what to expect and what mind set he needs to be in and how to survive. Yes it is a whole different game in Afghanistan and a whole new terrain but war is war and enemies and terrorist...well...they are just that. That part doesnt change. He knows the missions at hand and what he needs to do to keep him and his other soldiers alive and make it back home.

Like I said...I have full confidence in Zak as a soldier. Full confidence. But these monsters are vicious and will stop at nothing. So I am scared of them because he could be stolen from me. Aside from being my husband, love of my life and wonderful father to my son, he is my absolute best friend..so...losing him...would be life shattering.

Dont get me wrong, I am a strong woman, and I will be strong through this whole deployment. Will I be sad? Yes. Will I break down and cry more often than I'd like? Yes.

I love my husband, so yes I am going to be a wreck for 12months, but I made a promise to him that I would be strong and stay strong for Grayson. That I would keep my head above water and take complete care of that little boy. And that is what I will be doing, and thanks to my wonderful family, I will be staying in Texas during this deployment so I will have a great support system to help me keep that promise.

Zak made it through one tour already, and we as a couple did quite well withstanding it I have to say, this deployment will be harder though, we are married now and have a child together, and that makes all the difference in the world. I know we in our marriage and as a family will not falter and will not disconnect. We are such a strong couple and strong family that this can only bring us closer together and for that I am thankful. Deployments are terrifying and everyone involved in a deployment dreads the day it comes...but the flip side of it, kind of the upside, is that if you have a strong relationship, strong marriage and strong family before the deployment, when your husband comes home after all that time, your relationship and family is 100x stronger and closer than you could have ever imagined possible. The bond is unexplainable. It's what makes it all worth it. It's what makes me proud to be a military wife.

I will go ahead and stop writing now, because this could go on forever, but there will be more of these over the next few months before he leaves as this is something that is always on my mind....but today... writing this much is about all I can take.

Please pray for my husband and his safety when he is to leave and please pray for all the other soldiers, not only in his unit but who are already deployed or are deploying.

Baby Dreams

Just a quick thought to throw your way...

Do you ever wonder what babies dream about?

I was holding Grayson a few moments about before I put him in his bassinet to take a nap and he fell asleep in my arms making the funniest faces and cute little noises.

I thought "he must be dreaming".

But what do babies dream about??

Sorry...not really a meaning post but it was on my mind!

Little Update

Things have been pretty busy here in the Faircloth house so I apologize for not staying on top of this blog as much as I would like to.

I came close to changing our address to Womack Army Medical Center because I have literally been at Womack for doctors appointments for either myself or Grayson, literally everyday this week. But hopefully that stops today.

A little update on Grayson:
He is looking great :)
He had his 2 week check up yesterday and he is 7.13oz and 19.3inches.
His umblical cord fell off yesterday at the doctors office so we were excite about that and his circumcision is looking good.
He had a repeat hearing screen yesterday as well...his left ear passed but his right ear only got up to 112 out of 160 but they don't think there is much need to worry...they think it is just fluid left in his ear still so we are going in again next week to repeat it and see if he passes. I am confident it will be okay :)
Also he took a bottle from his Daddy yesterday! I decided to try to pump since I am breastfeeding that way Zak can be more involved with feeding and it worked! It took awhile to get as much milk pumped that Grayson takes but it did work and Grayson took the bottle from Zak it was adorable :) (picture below), it made me so happy to see him feeding Grayson because they looked so precious together. :)))

A little update on me:
I am recovering well. Not having as much pain as I was except a little cramping and being a little sore every now and then if I am being "too active". However, I have been in and out of the doctors office this whole week for ultrasounds because last weekend I was having extreme pain and lots of clotting. They did blood work...no infection. But the ultrasound was concerning because it showed there was still "stuff" left in my uterus. They could not tell from the ultrasound if it was placenta that had broken down and they did not get it all during the c-section or if it was a lot of blood clots or what. So the doctor prescribed me medicine to take that would help contract my uterus and try to expel whatever was in there. She said if it did not clear out that they would have to take me up to the O.R and do a D&C. Blah. I did not want that at all. I went back Wednesday...still wasn't clear so we did another round of the medicine. Then I went back in today and what was in there was half the amount that it was before and looks like mainly fluid. So the doctor is confident in just monitoring it and doing another ultrasound next week to follow up and see if it is clearing out on its own or if we will have to do the D&C. So I am keeping my fingers crossed! Also! I have already lost almost 20lbs yeeaaahh. I have no idea how though. I am not allowed to do anything with much activity at all...but hey, I am not complaining :) So I only have about 12lbs to go before I am back to pre-pregnancy weight...and I might want to lose a few more after I hit that goal.

A little update on Zak:
He went back to work this week. Booo. We are not happy about that. Me and little Grayson miss that he is not here hanging out with us during the day anymore :( But when he comes home from work every evening I am so excited to see him. They have been having qualification rangers and getting new gear for deployment...which I am glad they are getting issued new gear and I cant help but just stare at him with all of his gear and uniform on because I am so proud of him. He is such a strong man and I couldnt be more proud and more happy and more thankful to be blessed to have him as my husband and father of my son.
He has a 3 day this weekend (for Easter I guess) and I think we are going to go to Wilmington for the day because it is going to be in the upper 80s so we are going to take little Grayson to the beach and all kinds of stuff around Wilmington. It will be nice to take a little day trip like that :)

Us as a family have just been enjoying every little moment we have together and taking it all in. We have been a bit tired getting use to the new schedule and routine that Grayson controls right now :p but there is no way to get stressed out and mad about it because it is way too wonderful of an experience to get mad about :)

Here are some pictures we have taken since last posted: