Today was the last time I will see my husband for what is going to feel like an eternity.
I don't quite know what to type or how to type so forgive me if this is messy and redudent at times...I am a mess so my writing might be as well.
It hasn't even been a day and I am a mess. I knew this would be hard, and I knew I was going to miss him, but I didn't know I would have a level 5 meltdown once he walked away. I have been crying on and off all day since he left. It is almost midnight and I do not want to go to sleep. If I go to sleep, thats it, I know he will not be walking in the door from work, if I go to sleep, when I wake up, tomorrow will start day 1 of deployment, and that means he really is gone. I feel sick, my eyes are heavy and my head hurts from being emotionally exhausted today. He loves his job and he was ready to deploy, but I know he did not want to leave behind me and Grayson.
In the last minutes we had together, he was holding Grayson, talking to him and soaking up his final Daddy/Son moments and tears just started rolling down his face and my heart broke.We held each other, crying and giving out last kiss until we see him for R&R. I know it must have felt as if his heart was ripping out of his chest when he had to walk away from me and Grayson. 
He hates leaving me when I am crying, it tears him up, so I can only imagine what today did to him. He is a strong man, the strongest man I know and he will do just fine. He will process leaving, just as I will process him leaving. He will get his game face on and knock this deployment out and come back and even stronger, better man...if that is even possible <3 I am still going to miss him terribly and worry for his safety constantly. He is my other half, and this hurts more than I ever thought possible.
When Zak walked away, I was crying and looked down at Grayson and said, "it's just me and you now buddy" and one of the ladies there took a picture as I said it. I had no idea until she posted this up.
I love him so much. Words cannot describe it. He is my other half, as I am his. We are best friends. The love we share is so special, so unique. I am sure everyone says that about the love they have with someone, but I can feel it in my gut and in my heart that what we have is unlike anything anyone has ever known. We have our ups and our downs and our fights and our big fights, we have our off days and our moments but no matter what life has thrown at us, is has never altered anything about us. We fight, and no matter how mean we get, we talk it all out and make up without any damage or scars. We know each other, inside and out, backwards and forwards. We know how to handle one another and can be 200% ourselves with one another. Serious or so silly, and we love being silly.
He is the only person who completely gets me. He understands me and I understand him. We can read each other so well. We are so comfortable sitting in complete silence with each other because most of the time we do not need words, we know what the other is thinking or feeling because we can feel it in ourselves. We finish each others sentences and thoughts. I really think we would be lost without each other...which is why I know this next year is going to be very hard.
Zak makes my life comfortable, he makes my world easier. He is more than I could have ever dreamed of.
We have been through one deployment and he made it home safe and sound and he was an angel last deployment, doing anything and everything he could to make me feel more at ease and I know he will try to do the same this time with the time and resources that are available to him. I know if I just stay busy it will fly by...but I am terrified it wont. All the sudden it hits me....a year...12 months...365 days....that is so long. And I am screaming inside "come back!".
I told myself I would be strong. And I made a promise to Zak that I would be strong. So I will. I will be strong. But for today I want to be sad, I want to cry and I want to process because my heart hurts so terribly.
It will probably take me a few days to get back on my feet..but I will. And I will hold my head up, stay strong for myself, my son and my husband, and know that each day is one day closer to his return.
If you are reading this Zak, don't worry about me, don't worry that I am not handling this well. I will be just fine, you know me, I just need to get this out and process and be sad for a bit and then I will push forward. I cannot wait to hear from you. Stay strong baby, be brave, be smart, stay safe, kick butt and get back home to us.
We are waiting ..."until the end of all time".
I love you - "to the monster star and back" :)
Mira
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