The first 48 hours

The first 48 hours, are some of the hardest hours that I will encounter for the next year. I am now in Texas, with my family who are an amazing support system for me but I am just not okay with this right now. This is deployment #2 for us, should seem a little easier yes? ...No...still sucks -pardon my lack of a better word. I just want my husband to be here and look at me the way he does... the look that says "I know you are hurting, I know you are scared but I promise this will be okay, you are a strong woman". The way we look at each other, I swear its like we have a secret that no one else knows and that no one else ever will. It's something that is our own and I am going to miss that look. This might sound cheesy, but it was beautiful and always brought me weak at the knees.

Every morning Zak would wake up around 3:30am-3:45am to get ready for work....yes very early but he would rather be an hour early than a minute late, one of the many things that makes me love him, he is so dedicated to his work...well anyway, my son now has an internal alarm clock to wake up at the same time his Daddy does in the morning...except Daddy isn't here. Now, when Grayson wakes up, and I wake up, I am not turning off Zaks alarm clock, helping him find what he needs for the day and kissing him before he leaves for work. Instead we wake up, without him by my side, in a place that is not our home and stomach in knots. I do not get to kiss him off to work knowing he will be home late that evening and I do not get to see him give our son kisses on his head saying "bye buddy I love you"....that first morning kiss and seeing him with his son before he goes to work was something that I cherished so much. Priceless.

I miss so many things about the way our life was when we were together and I miss every little thing about him. I will not attempt to write about them all in only one blog because it would never end, but believe me, I am sure there will be many blogs where I vent about something in particular that I am missing that day.

I know this may seem dramatic, its only been 48 hours...but these 48 hours are the time where I am still processing that this has all really begun, and the countdown for the next 12 months of missing my husband has started.

I will probably say this in just about every post, but please keep my husband and the rest of the men with him in your hearts and prayers.



"...until the end of all time"