The Wife

"Another sleepless night for me

Alone upon our bed
I see again his every move
And those last words he said.

So proud he looked in uniform
Convinced that he was right
He had to go, for duty called
There was a war to fight.

Those last few days before he left
I hid the pain inside
We talked and loved and even joked
He never knew I cried.

And when the dreaded moment came
He kissed me tenderly.
His eyes met mine, and then he said,
"I'll be all right, you'll see."

I tried to smile and nod my head
Afraid to let him see
The terror that I feared if he
Did not come back to me.

I see him as he walked away
I tried to say 'good-bye'
But words were trapped within my throat
All I could do was cry.

The weeks have stretched now into months
And every night I pray
That God will keep him in his care
And bring him home one day.

At last I drift off into sleep
In dreams I see him more
I turn around and smile to hear
His footsteps at the door.

Restless I sleep, and then I wake
Not opening my eyes
I move my hand to reach for him
But no one near me lies.

I will not give in to despair
With each new day I'll cope
For I know he would want me to
Be brave and live with hope.

I hear the voices loud and strong
Who criticize the war
While yelling men are fools to go
They stay on freedoms shore.

A man who cowers under fear
Will die a thousand deaths
While men like mine for freedom fight
And offer their last breaths.

I hope perhaps in fifty years
When men remember war
They won't forget the wives who dreamed
Of footsteps at the door. "

1 Month Woo Hoo!

We have made it through the 1st month of deployment! Yeah! Bring on the rest.

I have been indifferent about this last month, I cannot say it has gone by fast, but it also has not really gone by slow either. It is kind of in the middle -and I am fine with the middle pace, it is much better than a slow pace.

I cannot wait for month 2, 3, 4, 5...etc

I have found out in the military that you are constantly counting the days and months. When your soldier is deployed, you are counting down the days until he is home and you get to see him again, and then when they finally come home you are cherishing every day and minute together because in the back of your mind you are counting down the days until he has to leave you again.

Right now I am counting down to R&R, that is a time when Zak gets to come home for about 2 weeks during the deployment and then he will go back for the remainder. I cannot wait! 2 weeks out of a whole year to get to spend with the one you love may not seem like a lot of time, but to a soldiers wife and a soldier himself, 2 weeks is everything <3 If you think about it, our generation of military spouses and families have it pretty easy compared to those like my Grandmother and Grandfather who went through Vietnam. No phones, no internet, no R&R....just a letter, MAYBE every couple of a months and they were something gone for a couple of years at a time. I try to keep that in mind when I start feeling "weak" about how much I miss Zak because I know if those women and families were able to stay strong and keep their heads up with pretty much no communication for a year or more - I can definitely do this! One month down and counting... Please keep my husbands and the rest of the men and women in his unit and attached to his unit in your prayers along with all the other service members deployed and deploying.  

"until the end of all time"

(Day 27) The Bandanna

"The battlefield is a scene of constant chaos. The winner will be the one who controls that chaos, both his own and the enemies."

These are two of the first pictures I saw of Zak during this deployment. He is the one with the black bandanna around his face :) 

I love seeing these kind of pictures. It makes me so proud and makes me feel more connected to what is going on over there with him when I see pictures of what he has been doing. He might get mad at me for saying this on here, but the bandanna he is wearing is one he bought awhile ago and he left it behind on accident and while I was unpacking everything I found it and knew he would want it, so I took it upon myself to spray my perfume on it -and I only have one, I have been wearing the same perfume every day since 2004- so it would smell just like me. He told me when he got it that he wore it around one day as I knew he would even if it didnt smell like me, that is what it was for, but that he loved that it had my scent on it :) That made me all giddy like a little school girl. I bet the scent wont last long with the amount he works but I am going to send over more and more bandannas that way he has more than one he can wear instead of having to wear one that is bound to get filthy after awhile -but each time I will surely spray my perfume on it once again

It is so amazing the little things that make couples going through a deployment together so happy and feel so close to one another.

Stay safe baby.

"until the end of all time"

Daddy Paintings (Day 24)

Today I sent out a big envelope filled with about 10+ letters which included two "letters/paintings" from Grayson to Zak.

I bought some of the Crayola NonToxic finger paint so Grayson would "write" to his Daddy too while he is away. It may be silly but Zak will love it and I am excited to keep it up to see how Graysons "letters and paintings" change over the next year as he is able to do things more and more on his own with his hands. It will be really fun to look back on when Zak come homes home :)

                         


I just wanted to share the pictures of Grayson making one of his paintings for his Daddy. He had such a blast....I really think he just simply likes getting messy...he is a little boy though right so what can ya do!


to the monster star and back 

(Day 19) I really missed you today...

I know a lot of you are probably already getting tired of me complaining about how much I miss my husband, but really, what do you expect me to do? Just not miss him? No chance.

It has been 3 days since I spoke to Zak. I will not go in to detail on this class but I will say that it makes me very proud that they chose him to do this. They told him they think he has great skill and that he is very good a teaching and training other people so they wanted him to take this on. That is all very true, he is a great soldier who is awesome as what he does, he is very detail oriented and does not miss a beat, and he is also great at teaching the other guys in his troop and in his unit. Not only that but he is just great at teaching other people -anything, including myself. I knew with these classes that I would not be hearing from him much so this is completely expected...and 3 days is not bad compared to what the future will bring. I have gone weeks at a time without speaking to him. The last 5 months of his first deployment I did not hear his voice or see his face once until he came home. We communicated through e/mail and that was it for those final 5 months....so I know I can handle what this deployment will bring and 3 days is nothing big, especially when I know he is safe right now...it just stinks because I have so much running through my brain right now and a couple big things happened today that I wanted to share with him...but I can't...

Grayson turned 5months old today....5 months, it does not feel like it has been 5months at all. He is getting so big. He rolled over from tummy to back all by himself today -twice- now mind you he was not happy when he did it because he absolutely hates tummy time, but I think once he gets the hang of rolling over, he wont mind it so much because he can just take himself off of his tummy. I was so excited for this step in his life but it also brought me great sadness because this is one of the many stepping stones in Grayson's 1st year that Zak will not get to be a part of, and that breaks my heart and brings the tears. Even though he isn't here I just wanted to call him up and say "baby guess what?! Grayson rolled over all by himself!" and hear him say, "yeaaaahhhh buddy! thats awesome baby!" the way he does...but I couldn't...I think one of the hardest parts about this deployment is going to be not being able to share these moments together as a family and each time something big happens with Grayson I am going to feel so ecstatic but so sad at the same time...and I am going to feel so guilty about being so ecstatic as if I am rubbing in Zaks face that he is missing out on it...which is completely absurd and he will tell me the same thing and that I am crazy for thinking that and to never feel guilty, just that he misses so much that he cant be here with us. I know when these big things happen, Zak does feel guilty for not being here and he feels like he is letting us down or that we will resent him...and that is not and never will be possible. I could never resent him and he could never let me down and this little boy loves him so much and even though Zak is not around right now, Grayson knows how much his Daddy loves him...and I know he won't forget that.

Another thing that made me sad today was I went to see my Grandmother (Grammy) in the hospital today, she is currently in her 3rd surgery in one week. She had a colonoscopy a couple weeks back -a simple procedure usually- but it went wrong and there has just been one complication after another resulting in multiple surgeries and it makes me scared for my Grammy and for my family and just praying she pulls through all the surgeries and praying that tonight will be the last one. Anyway, aside from that alone making me sad, while I was sitting in her room with my sister, I was just so quiet, looking around, looking at my Grammy and how fragile she is right now...I was scared and just didnt know what to say or do....and I just kept thinking, "if Zak were here he would know exactly what to do, what to say and how to make Grammy more comfortable and not think about being sick right now". He really would. He would be so kind and caring with her but also strike up conversations to try to take her mind off of anything having to do with surgery or hospitals..etc and he would make her laugh...and all I could do was sit there and worry and let it show all over my face. I dont want my Grammy to think I didnt want to be there or didnt want to talk to her I just didnt want to open my mouth and only be able to ask questions about what was going on and make her even more scared than she probably already is. I needed my husband. I needed my best friend there to help me work through that, to show me how to handle that.

.....breathe......

Days like today, where either something really great happens -especially with Grayson, or something bad happens, or both in one day like today...are going to be the hardest of days because those are the days where it is going to smack me in the face how much I miss him and how I have to be strong on my own now. Each time I say, "if Zak were here he would (fill in the blank)" I cannot just sit and be sad each time --well I can but I will try not too- I have to take the strength that I have within myself and add on the strength that I know Zak would have and then do whatever it is I know he would do. I may not be able to fall back on him in person anymore, but he is with me always and that will help me get through my days....no matter how long or sad they are some days.

I made a promise to you baby, I will keep my head up. I will be strong for me, for you and for Grayson. I am keeping that promise....pinky promise :*


"until the end of all time"

Mira

1 week down. 51 more to go.

This time last week I woke up knowing it would be the last day I saw my husband for a very long time. A week has now gone by...only a week...really? It feels like time is going so slow, but on the other hand it feels like just yesterday he was holding me in his arms kissing me saying, "be strong baby, I'm going to miss you so much, I love you. see you soon."

I have been doing pretty well I think, staying strong and hanging in there, but I just miss my husband so much and today I just feel like being lazy. I woke up so many times last night. The feeling I get when I wake up in the middle of the night and realize he isn't asleep next to me isn't a good feeling. It makes me miss him so much. And I get scared. You may think I'm being dramatic but just having that feeling and then knowing I am going to feel it everyday for 12 months is a lot to bare. It's not like he is going to be away for a long time in a business trip, it's that he is going to be away for a long time in the worst place that anyone could be right now.It's just me in the house today. My sister left for vacation and my Mom is going to visit my Grammy in the hospital. So, me, Grayson and Karat are hanging out and I am hoping I get to hear from Zak today. Really hoping. Even a quick hello online, e/mail or short phone call would suffice. I just want to talk to my husband today.

The love Zak and I have knows no boundaries and there is no such thing as a distance too far or an obstacle to complex. We have always had such a strong and unique bond. The saying, "he is my other half" truly applies here. It has always felt as if we could read each others minds, finish sentences..we have always been able to feel what the other is feeling before we even have spoken. And I still feel that. Half a world away and I still feel him.Even though I do not know what he is doing I feel like I am feel him thinking about me.... The love Zak and I have knows no boundaries and there is no such thing as a distance too far or an obstacle to complex.

So bring it on deployment...you've got nothing on us.


"to the monster star and back"

(Day 5) Skype

So can I just start by saying that my husband is hands down a-mazing. He is the best and with that, Skype has got to be the best invention ever created for deployments.

This morning I left the house to go to the Post Office and mail the first 2 care packages for Zak, and of course the day I do that, when I really didn't think he would be contacting me that day...he did and I was not home. My Mom calls me and said, "Zak just tried to get online and Skype you but then he signed off because I guess he couldn't hear me I dont know..." -my heart sunk...no no no no no...the tears started running down my face, I kept checking my phone because I have Skype and AIM on my phone and his name was not showing up on either and I kept thinking, "come on baby, read my mind, know I am on my way home, get online again, try again..." still nothing...I walk through the door all "cry faced" as Zak calls it, to here my Mom say, "hurry he is online I have been chatting with him!", as quick as the tears started rolling they dried right up and a huge smile of shock and confusion came across my face. God had me on my toes for a minute there not showing me through my phone that he really was online...nice one Big Guy :p

I got on and we talked for a few minutes on AIM and then his stunning blue eyes popped up on my screen with that voice that calms my soul. Lets just say I was ecstatic. And he got to see Grayson which was amazing! They played "peek-a-boo" and Grayson smiled and laughed. He knows his Daddy and that makes me so happy to see them still be able to have a minute of Daddy/Son time.

Even from close to 8,000 miles away we still have such an amazing bond and he still finds ways to make my day and brighten my smile. Seeing his face and hearing his voice is so reassuring to know he is okay. I hate not knowing what he is doing and how his day is going. Yes he can take care of himself but I hate not being there for him, I hate not being able to turn his bad days into good nights but Skype is like a little portal if you will that allows us to feel close even from half a world away.

I am so thankful for him and that he takes the time out of his busy day and/or busy nights to get online and talk with me like he did today. It has only been a few days since he has left but he is already super busy and I know his down time is precious and his sleep is very needed, and just as last deployment, I couldn't be more thankful and more blessed to have such an amazing, caring, thoughtful husband.


On a side note...Grayson had his 4 month well baby appointment today, even though he is close to 5 months old now. 4 months and 3 weeks to be exact. He is weighing at 15.7lbs, 23 1/2 inches long, and head circumference of 17 inches. He also had to get his second set of vaccines today -poor guy :( but he was a trooper! He cried for maybe 5 seconds and then sucked it up and was fine. He is his Daddy's son that is for sure. Tough little man. Zak you would have been so proud of you little buddy! He was a little sore on and off the rest of the day, but nothing big at all. We have such a great baby don't we Zak :)

Here is the video of Grayson playing on the patient table:





Adorable right?! He was doing that the WHOLE time. If we put him down on the table, he was kicking away :)


I love you baby!


"to the monster star and back"