I know a lot of you are probably already getting tired of me complaining about how much I miss my husband, but really, what do you expect me to do? Just not miss him? No chance.
It has been 3 days since I spoke to Zak. I will not go in to detail on this class but I will say that it makes me very proud that they chose him to do this. They told him they think he has great skill and that he is very good a teaching and training other people so they wanted him to take this on. That is all very true, he is a great soldier who is awesome as what he does, he is very detail oriented and does not miss a beat, and he is also great at teaching the other guys in his troop and in his unit. Not only that but he is just great at teaching other people -anything, including myself. I knew with these classes that I would not be hearing from him much so this is completely expected...and 3 days is not bad compared to what the future will bring. I have gone weeks at a time without speaking to him. The last 5 months of his first deployment I did not hear his voice or see his face once until he came home. We communicated through e/mail and that was it for those final 5 months....so I know I can handle what this deployment will bring and 3 days is nothing big, especially when I know he is safe right now...it just stinks because I have so much running through my brain right now and a couple big things happened today that I wanted to share with him...but I can't...
Grayson turned 5months old today....5 months, it does not feel like it has been 5months at all. He is getting so big. He rolled over from tummy to back all by himself today -twice- now mind you he was not happy when he did it because he absolutely hates tummy time, but I think once he gets the hang of rolling over, he wont mind it so much because he can just take himself off of his tummy. I was so excited for this step in his life but it also brought me great sadness because this is one of the many stepping stones in Grayson's 1st year that Zak will not get to be a part of, and that breaks my heart and brings the tears. Even though he isn't here I just wanted to call him up and say "baby guess what?! Grayson rolled over all by himself!" and hear him say, "yeaaaahhhh buddy! thats awesome baby!" the way he does...but I couldn't...I think one of the hardest parts about this deployment is going to be not being able to share these moments together as a family and each time something big happens with Grayson I am going to feel so ecstatic but so sad at the same time...and I am going to feel so guilty about being so ecstatic as if I am rubbing in Zaks face that he is missing out on it...which is completely absurd and he will tell me the same thing and that I am crazy for thinking that and to never feel guilty, just that he misses so much that he cant be here with us. I know when these big things happen, Zak does feel guilty for not being here and he feels like he is letting us down or that we will resent him...and that is not and never will be possible. I could never resent him and he could never let me down and this little boy loves him so much and even though Zak is not around right now, Grayson knows how much his Daddy loves him...and I know he won't forget that.
Another thing that made me sad today was I went to see my Grandmother (Grammy) in the hospital today, she is currently in her 3rd surgery in one week. She had a colonoscopy a couple weeks back -a simple procedure usually- but it went wrong and there has just been one complication after another resulting in multiple surgeries and it makes me scared for my Grammy and for my family and just praying she pulls through all the surgeries and praying that tonight will be the last one. Anyway, aside from that alone making me sad, while I was sitting in her room with my sister, I was just so quiet, looking around, looking at my Grammy and how fragile she is right now...I was scared and just didnt know what to say or do....and I just kept thinking, "if Zak were here he would know exactly what to do, what to say and how to make Grammy more comfortable and not think about being sick right now". He really would. He would be so kind and caring with her but also strike up conversations to try to take her mind off of anything having to do with surgery or hospitals..etc and he would make her laugh...and all I could do was sit there and worry and let it show all over my face. I dont want my Grammy to think I didnt want to be there or didnt want to talk to her I just didnt want to open my mouth and only be able to ask questions about what was going on and make her even more scared than she probably already is. I needed my husband. I needed my best friend there to help me work through that, to show me how to handle that.
.....breathe......
Days like today, where either something really great happens -especially with Grayson, or something bad happens, or both in one day like today...are going to be the hardest of days because those are the days where it is going to smack me in the face how much I miss him and how I have to be strong on my own now. Each time I say, "if Zak were here he would (fill in the blank)" I cannot just sit and be sad each time --well I can but I will try not too- I have to take the strength that I have within myself and add on the strength that I know Zak would have and then do whatever it is I know he would do. I may not be able to fall back on him in person anymore, but he is with me always and that will help me get through my days....no matter how long or sad they are some days.
I made a promise to you baby, I will keep my head up. I will be strong for me, for you and for Grayson. I am keeping that promise....pinky promise :*
"until the end of all time"
Mira
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