10 Hours

There's ten hours between us tonight
And I feel like my heart will break
Cause it's been way too long
Since I've last seen your face
What I'd give if you were here with me now
And I was lost in your touch
If I know my heart
There's nothing I've ever wanted so much

But to love you
Just to love you
It's all I wanna do

There's ten hours between us tonight
And I feel like I could die
But all the pain would just 
Go away if I could look in your eyes

And love you
Just love you
It's all I wanna do

Cause I know you're the one
That I've been praying for
I could love you for a thousand years
And wish for a thousand more

There's ten hours between us tonight
But tonight can only last so long
By twelve o'clock tomorrow baby
You'll be here in my arms

And I'll hold you close to my heart
And I pray you feel my love
Until that day when time or space
Will never again separate us

And I'll love you
Oh, I'll love you
It's all I'll ever do
Cause I know you're the one
It just feels so right
Would it be ok with you
If I loved you for the rest of my life 

10 Hours: Warren Barfield 

...That song...man does that song tug at my heart and pull the tears right out...

God I miss him.

I miss him so much.

Today is just one of those days...I would give anything to have him here with me.

I got to talk to Zak today, which made for a good day, but we were both having a hard deployment day today so it seems. For about 5 minutes of talking to him I cried tears of happiness and sadness. What you say? Yes, both. I told my husband that I really missed his voice and he proceeded to tell me all of the things he misses about me, Grayson and our life together when he was home. Can you see how and why that would make for a smile and for a tear? In a strange way it made me so happy to hear what he was missing about me and our life together because the things he was saying, were the exact things that I think about and miss on a daily basis, so it made me happy to know that we are still in such complete and total sync even half a world away. But it also brought sadness because he is just that -half a world away, and even though I miss him so terribly much, it breaks my heart to pieces when he has hard days and misses us so much. I would give anything to take away his pain and sadness on those days. I know the pain I feel with missing him and I know how unbearable it can be at times, but I cannot begin to imagine how his heart must ache to be in such a Catch 22. He is doing what he loves, what he is good at...he lives, bleeds and breathes for it...he is one hell of a soldier...but at the same time, it makes him have to be away from what he loves, what he lives for and what he breathes for -us- but we are part of the reason he does what he does....because he is one hell of a husband and father...he is just one hell of a human being. So I cannot imagine the pull at his heart to miss us so much and wanting to be home, but at the same time wanting to stay and fight the fight to defend all that we hold dear. He is over there for reasons no one will know -as with every soldier- but he is also over there to defend Americas freedom, to find justice for what happened on the tragic day of 9/11...but on a more personal level he is over there for the ones that he loves most in the world to make sure we can continue to live our lives without fear and live the "lavishness that is America" as Ben Stein would say, and to also defend the honor of the men he has lost personally...and for all of those things and more, I could never imagine the place it puts him to have to leave his family and I truly admire and respect my husband for that.

As I said before, he is one hell of a soldier, father, husband and one hell of a human being.

I love you baby. Stay strong and stay safe.

until the end of all time

Grammy Update :) (Day 42)

Thank you everyone for all of the prayers for my Grammy -they truly helped!

I got an update today from my Aunt who has been at the hospital with Grammy and said that the surgery went very well, the doctors said that her tissue was in much greater condition this time (which is wonderful) and that metabollically she was doing much better. They did have to take out a portion of her small intestine, which you never want to have to do but leaving it there would have been worse.

She was moved from ICU into a room and they gave her popsicles and jello...etc which is a HUGE step up from a very restricted ice chip diet.

The doctor said, the same as before, if she can go 14 days without any problems then we should be in the clear.

So keep the prayers coming! Still have a long road ahead but she is a strong lady and I have great belief she will make it right through this!

New Clothes for Grayson!

I almost forgot!

When we got home from The Little Gym there was a package waiting on the front door step from Zak!

I knew he was sending something for Grayson and I knew it was going to be some clothes but I had no idea what kind of clothes ---- Zak got Grayson Ralph Lauren clothes and they are so freaking adorable! He looks JUST like Zak in them, yes I put on each shirt and the jeans so I could take pictures to show Zak and to upload on here. They are size 9 Month but I put him in them for pictures anyway :) I can't wait for him to grow a bit more and the weather start to cool down a little so he can wear them!

There is a little girl next door, Stella, who is about 6 months older than Grayson but she is super cute, we call her Graysons girlfriend, so this will definitely impress her I think ;)

Zak, you are amazing, his little clothes are awesome, I cant wait for you to get home and you and Grayson to wear semi matching clothes and be studs together! We love it all!!!

Here are some photos:

Thank you so much Zak! Grayson looks so handsome and like such a big boy! We love you so incredibly much baby! 

to the monster star and back

The Little Gym (Day 41)

Today was Grayson's first day of class at The Little Gym!

We signed up for the parent/child development and fun class twice a week.

The class for his age group is called the "Bugs" class which I thought was very funny and awesome at the same time because ever since Zak and I found out I was pregnant we nicknamed Grayson "Bug" until we found out if he was a boy or a girl, and then it just stuck so when I found out the name of the class I said "Perfect!" :)

Our teacher Miss Ray was wonderful, she was very fun and super helpful.

Grayson got a little fussy with a few things but then he got use to it and really enjoyed himself.

He made 2 new friends, Luke and Callion. Luke is 2 months older and Callion is only 9 days younger, both super cute little boys and I cant wait to get to know them and their mothers more!

It was such a fun time but I just kept thinking about Zak and how much I wished he could be there to see Grayson on his first day of class -but then I was reminded by people that even if he was home he would have to be at work so he probably would not get to go anyway, but still, it would be different because Zak would get to come home and I could tell him all about it and show him what we learned and he would be excited with us :) :(

Just another bittersweet event.

I am hoping that I will get to know the mothers in the class pretty well and we can all to play dates outside of class once Grayson and Callion start to crawl (Luke is already there). Lukes Mom was telling me how wonderful the Fort Worth Zoo is especially once it starts to cool down into fall so I am thinking of asking them once it does start to actually cool down if they (and anyone else who joins the class) want to all go to the Zoo together one day -that would be fun!

Each week is a different "theme" to the class so even though we will be going again on Friday with the same theme as today, I cant wait for each new theme!

to the monster star and back 

Prayers for Grammy (Day 34)

My Grandmother -Grammy as we call her- has been in the hospital for about a month,if not longer and needs all the prayers we can give her.

She went in for a colonoscopy because she was losing weight and the doctor said there was a kink due to a mesh that was placed years back from a prior surgery and the mesh had attached itself to the bowl and caused the kink. Well he bowl was is such bad shape apparently that it was knicked and caused leakage so they had to go in and do surgery. The fixed it, or so they thought and sent her to  a rehab facility...well to not make this a long novel, she was taken out of the nursing home/rehab facility due to poor treatment and also had to have 2 other bowl resection surgeries after that because of holes in her bowl. This was hard to repair and hard to keep her tissue in tact because the doctors said sewing her tissue was like trying to sew something the consistency of wet toilet paper......not good.

She has had drains in to drain the fluid and drain the bowl to keep it from entering her abdomen, she has not been allowed food for weeks now, only a very small amount of ice chips and they finally gave her a "shake" type of drink but now because she has had high fevers and the drainage is not slowing down they have put her on very a restricted ice chip diet yet again. They have tried many different things for Grammy to try to fix all of this and make her well again but her tissue is just not holding up strong enough for everything to repair and heal properly.

She has been up and down, good days and bad days for a little over a week but is now having to go into her 4th surgery this Friday.

If this surgery does not prove to help anything, this will be it, there is nothing else the doctors can do and they will suggest she go to hospice....not at all the out come any of us want. Grammy does not know that yet I have been told.

...My Uncle died a year ago due to cancer and it was a long and hard battle -this was my mothers brother as Grammy is my Mothers Mom...

Anyway, while my Uncle was going through his first surgery my Aunt Lorna told him she would give him $100 if he made it through the surgery and my Mom would give him another $100 when he was able to go home....I guess this "bribe" if you want to call it that was a good motive for my Uncle and he made it home, and every surgery after, he expected this motivational bribe. Well my Aunt has decide to do a bit of the same thing but this time she told Grammy if she made it through this surgery and made it through her recovery then next year when she is completely healed and healthy again she will take her on a cruise any where she wants to go ---Grammy said she wants to go to Hawaii...hopefully this will prove to be yet again, a very good medical motivator as it was before. My Aunt said, this was the biggest medical "bribe" yet but completely worth every bit of it.

Grammy spirits have been up and down a lot lately -can you expect anything different? I could not imagine what she must be going through. I do imagine she is physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted and I just pray that she stays positive and keeps the fight in her. It is pretty close to a miracle that at her age and how fragile she is that she has made it through 3 surgeries and is still going, so I hope and I pray she keeps that fight alive in her and makes it through this next surgery.

She is never alone at the hospital, either my Mom, or my Aunt Lorna or Aunt Stephanie are there in shifts even through the nights, my sister and my cousin Melissa have taken a couple of "shifts" to be there with her and Grayson and I have been up a few times to visit her but the doctors say to not bring Grayson up that often because of risk of him getting sick from anything in the hospital so I havent been able to visit as much as others which makes me sad but I am also not as good at handling it as everyone else and when I do visit I am very quiet, not meaning to be rude but I just do not know what to say or do because I am scared for her and sad for her and my family ....I wrote about that in a post when she got out of her first surgery and I visited her on that I just do not know how to handle it and I know if Zak were here, he would be so much better at this....

...Anyway, I know it makes her really happy when we do visit though because she gets to see Grayson and I told her last time I was there that she needed to get better so she could hold him again and she said, "I'm trying..I'm trying real hard" :(

I could go on and on about this but please, just please pray for Grammy that she makes it through her surgery on Friday, that she surgery proves to have worked, that no other surgeries are needed and she makes a full recovery.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

The Wife

"Another sleepless night for me

Alone upon our bed
I see again his every move
And those last words he said.

So proud he looked in uniform
Convinced that he was right
He had to go, for duty called
There was a war to fight.

Those last few days before he left
I hid the pain inside
We talked and loved and even joked
He never knew I cried.

And when the dreaded moment came
He kissed me tenderly.
His eyes met mine, and then he said,
"I'll be all right, you'll see."

I tried to smile and nod my head
Afraid to let him see
The terror that I feared if he
Did not come back to me.

I see him as he walked away
I tried to say 'good-bye'
But words were trapped within my throat
All I could do was cry.

The weeks have stretched now into months
And every night I pray
That God will keep him in his care
And bring him home one day.

At last I drift off into sleep
In dreams I see him more
I turn around and smile to hear
His footsteps at the door.

Restless I sleep, and then I wake
Not opening my eyes
I move my hand to reach for him
But no one near me lies.

I will not give in to despair
With each new day I'll cope
For I know he would want me to
Be brave and live with hope.

I hear the voices loud and strong
Who criticize the war
While yelling men are fools to go
They stay on freedoms shore.

A man who cowers under fear
Will die a thousand deaths
While men like mine for freedom fight
And offer their last breaths.

I hope perhaps in fifty years
When men remember war
They won't forget the wives who dreamed
Of footsteps at the door. "

1 Month Woo Hoo!

We have made it through the 1st month of deployment! Yeah! Bring on the rest.

I have been indifferent about this last month, I cannot say it has gone by fast, but it also has not really gone by slow either. It is kind of in the middle -and I am fine with the middle pace, it is much better than a slow pace.

I cannot wait for month 2, 3, 4, 5...etc

I have found out in the military that you are constantly counting the days and months. When your soldier is deployed, you are counting down the days until he is home and you get to see him again, and then when they finally come home you are cherishing every day and minute together because in the back of your mind you are counting down the days until he has to leave you again.

Right now I am counting down to R&R, that is a time when Zak gets to come home for about 2 weeks during the deployment and then he will go back for the remainder. I cannot wait! 2 weeks out of a whole year to get to spend with the one you love may not seem like a lot of time, but to a soldiers wife and a soldier himself, 2 weeks is everything <3 If you think about it, our generation of military spouses and families have it pretty easy compared to those like my Grandmother and Grandfather who went through Vietnam. No phones, no internet, no R&R....just a letter, MAYBE every couple of a months and they were something gone for a couple of years at a time. I try to keep that in mind when I start feeling "weak" about how much I miss Zak because I know if those women and families were able to stay strong and keep their heads up with pretty much no communication for a year or more - I can definitely do this! One month down and counting... Please keep my husbands and the rest of the men and women in his unit and attached to his unit in your prayers along with all the other service members deployed and deploying.  

"until the end of all time"

(Day 27) The Bandanna

"The battlefield is a scene of constant chaos. The winner will be the one who controls that chaos, both his own and the enemies."

These are two of the first pictures I saw of Zak during this deployment. He is the one with the black bandanna around his face :) 

I love seeing these kind of pictures. It makes me so proud and makes me feel more connected to what is going on over there with him when I see pictures of what he has been doing. He might get mad at me for saying this on here, but the bandanna he is wearing is one he bought awhile ago and he left it behind on accident and while I was unpacking everything I found it and knew he would want it, so I took it upon myself to spray my perfume on it -and I only have one, I have been wearing the same perfume every day since 2004- so it would smell just like me. He told me when he got it that he wore it around one day as I knew he would even if it didnt smell like me, that is what it was for, but that he loved that it had my scent on it :) That made me all giddy like a little school girl. I bet the scent wont last long with the amount he works but I am going to send over more and more bandannas that way he has more than one he can wear instead of having to wear one that is bound to get filthy after awhile -but each time I will surely spray my perfume on it once again

It is so amazing the little things that make couples going through a deployment together so happy and feel so close to one another.

Stay safe baby.

"until the end of all time"

Daddy Paintings (Day 24)

Today I sent out a big envelope filled with about 10+ letters which included two "letters/paintings" from Grayson to Zak.

I bought some of the Crayola NonToxic finger paint so Grayson would "write" to his Daddy too while he is away. It may be silly but Zak will love it and I am excited to keep it up to see how Graysons "letters and paintings" change over the next year as he is able to do things more and more on his own with his hands. It will be really fun to look back on when Zak come homes home :)

                         


I just wanted to share the pictures of Grayson making one of his paintings for his Daddy. He had such a blast....I really think he just simply likes getting messy...he is a little boy though right so what can ya do!


to the monster star and back 

(Day 19) I really missed you today...

I know a lot of you are probably already getting tired of me complaining about how much I miss my husband, but really, what do you expect me to do? Just not miss him? No chance.

It has been 3 days since I spoke to Zak. I will not go in to detail on this class but I will say that it makes me very proud that they chose him to do this. They told him they think he has great skill and that he is very good a teaching and training other people so they wanted him to take this on. That is all very true, he is a great soldier who is awesome as what he does, he is very detail oriented and does not miss a beat, and he is also great at teaching the other guys in his troop and in his unit. Not only that but he is just great at teaching other people -anything, including myself. I knew with these classes that I would not be hearing from him much so this is completely expected...and 3 days is not bad compared to what the future will bring. I have gone weeks at a time without speaking to him. The last 5 months of his first deployment I did not hear his voice or see his face once until he came home. We communicated through e/mail and that was it for those final 5 months....so I know I can handle what this deployment will bring and 3 days is nothing big, especially when I know he is safe right now...it just stinks because I have so much running through my brain right now and a couple big things happened today that I wanted to share with him...but I can't...

Grayson turned 5months old today....5 months, it does not feel like it has been 5months at all. He is getting so big. He rolled over from tummy to back all by himself today -twice- now mind you he was not happy when he did it because he absolutely hates tummy time, but I think once he gets the hang of rolling over, he wont mind it so much because he can just take himself off of his tummy. I was so excited for this step in his life but it also brought me great sadness because this is one of the many stepping stones in Grayson's 1st year that Zak will not get to be a part of, and that breaks my heart and brings the tears. Even though he isn't here I just wanted to call him up and say "baby guess what?! Grayson rolled over all by himself!" and hear him say, "yeaaaahhhh buddy! thats awesome baby!" the way he does...but I couldn't...I think one of the hardest parts about this deployment is going to be not being able to share these moments together as a family and each time something big happens with Grayson I am going to feel so ecstatic but so sad at the same time...and I am going to feel so guilty about being so ecstatic as if I am rubbing in Zaks face that he is missing out on it...which is completely absurd and he will tell me the same thing and that I am crazy for thinking that and to never feel guilty, just that he misses so much that he cant be here with us. I know when these big things happen, Zak does feel guilty for not being here and he feels like he is letting us down or that we will resent him...and that is not and never will be possible. I could never resent him and he could never let me down and this little boy loves him so much and even though Zak is not around right now, Grayson knows how much his Daddy loves him...and I know he won't forget that.

Another thing that made me sad today was I went to see my Grandmother (Grammy) in the hospital today, she is currently in her 3rd surgery in one week. She had a colonoscopy a couple weeks back -a simple procedure usually- but it went wrong and there has just been one complication after another resulting in multiple surgeries and it makes me scared for my Grammy and for my family and just praying she pulls through all the surgeries and praying that tonight will be the last one. Anyway, aside from that alone making me sad, while I was sitting in her room with my sister, I was just so quiet, looking around, looking at my Grammy and how fragile she is right now...I was scared and just didnt know what to say or do....and I just kept thinking, "if Zak were here he would know exactly what to do, what to say and how to make Grammy more comfortable and not think about being sick right now". He really would. He would be so kind and caring with her but also strike up conversations to try to take her mind off of anything having to do with surgery or hospitals..etc and he would make her laugh...and all I could do was sit there and worry and let it show all over my face. I dont want my Grammy to think I didnt want to be there or didnt want to talk to her I just didnt want to open my mouth and only be able to ask questions about what was going on and make her even more scared than she probably already is. I needed my husband. I needed my best friend there to help me work through that, to show me how to handle that.

.....breathe......

Days like today, where either something really great happens -especially with Grayson, or something bad happens, or both in one day like today...are going to be the hardest of days because those are the days where it is going to smack me in the face how much I miss him and how I have to be strong on my own now. Each time I say, "if Zak were here he would (fill in the blank)" I cannot just sit and be sad each time --well I can but I will try not too- I have to take the strength that I have within myself and add on the strength that I know Zak would have and then do whatever it is I know he would do. I may not be able to fall back on him in person anymore, but he is with me always and that will help me get through my days....no matter how long or sad they are some days.

I made a promise to you baby, I will keep my head up. I will be strong for me, for you and for Grayson. I am keeping that promise....pinky promise :*


"until the end of all time"

Mira